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Do I "need" to put this video on every single form of social media I have? Why no, but I'm... gonna.

"Ezra Furman performs “Suck The Blood From My Wound” | AVC Sessions" (Watch on YouTube)

Current Music: i think u know

a gentle reminder that you did well this year. you met new people, learned new things and felt new feelings. you did so many things that made you scared. you picked yourself up off the floor after feeling completely defeated or heartbroken. there were some really tough nights but you survived them all. you made people happy just by existing. you accepted many goodbyes but the serendipitous meetings made up for them. it was your own hard work that paid off but you always downplay it or compare yourself to others. that’s not fair on yourself. you’ve come so far from the first day of this year. you have more wisdom and strength now. yes, other people seem more “successful” but does that even matter? please don’t think so lowly of yourself to only think about your failures. 2018 was your year of growth. I hope you take a moment to be kind to yourself, and believe that 2019 will be even better.

via flowerais on tumblr

hoooo boy i am beHIND on these.

Day 3

In your own space, share a favorite piece of original canon (a TV episode, a song, a favorite interview, a book, a scene from a movie, etc) and explain why you love it so much. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

"The Magicians S03E09 Clip | 'Under Pressure' | Rotten Tomatoes TV" (Watch on YouTube)

The Magicians S03E09 - the muuuusical episode

Am I a complete sucker for a musical episode??? YES I AM. I've rewatched this ep more times than anything else ... ever? As for why I love it... is there anything not to love here?? Quentin's little passionate speech followed by those emphatic magic gestures to make the song ... come on? The descent down the staircase? Kady bursting into it like a badass? Elliot's... everything? It's somehow emotional and stirring and deeeeply goofy. Love this dumb show.

(missed the first day of this but I am gonna try and do most of these.)

Day 2

Rec at least three fanworks that you didn’t create. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

so... my last three bookmarked stucky fics. they all happen to be short snappy lil things but impactful in their own ways.

Anything you want by obsessivereader (M), 1384 words

If Steve still did that sort of thing, he’d be praying to God and all the saints in heaven that Bucky doesn’t shift any further back on his lap, because if he does, he’s going to get poked in back of the head by Steve’s erect cock.
This is not what he was expecting when he offered to work with Bucky and his therapist on the whole touching thing.

territorial by mcwho (E), 2734 words

The thing about Steve Rogers is that he’s a jealous, possessive, Grade-A All-American asshole.

Most of the world thinks his behaviour stretches to ‘protectiveness’ and stops there, because everyone knows by now how Steve gets when you hurt the people he cares about. That Steve would tear the word apart for him if he had to. Bucky knows this.

And God help him, Bucky loves it.

“He wasn’t – ah, Jesus, fuck, Steve, we weren’t even doing nothing, I barely even looked at the guy,” Bucky gasps, spluttering with breathless giggles as Steve gnaws on his neck, beard scratching against his skin.

re: pair by steebadore (T), 2502 words

"Steve?" Bucky leans against the kitchen doorway looking sleep-rumpled and soft, adorable even when he's glaring. He's wearing one of Steve's old shirts, some triple-XL monstrosity from a charity 5K a few years ago. It's stretched out enough that it's slipping off Bucky's shoulder just a little, exposing the scarred curve of his collarbone. The metal gleams dully in the yellow light from the streetlamp outside the kitchen window, and Steve's heart turns over in his chest with a clumsy thud.

"Hey," he rasps, swallowing hard to keep the emotion welling up behind his ribs from spilling over onto his face. "Hey, baby. Sorry, I was trying not to wake you."

I like getting pome in my email cuz the subject is always just the title so I go in unprepared & read whatever it is without expectations & sometimes I see "Anne Carson" at the end and think oh, of course & this was one of those times.

God's List Of Liquids

It was a November night of wind.
Leaves tore past the window.
God had the book of life open at PLEASURE

and was holding the pages down with one hand
because of the wind from the door.
For I made their flesh as a sieve

wrote God at the top of the page
and then listed in order:
Alcohol
Blood
Gratitude
Memory
Semen
Song
Tears
Time.

Anne Carson (1995)

At North Farm

Somewhere someone is traveling furiously toward you,
At incredible speed, traveling day and night,
Through blizzards and desert heat, across torrents, through
narrow passes.
But will he know where to find you,
Recognize you when he sees you,
Give you the thing he has for you?

Hardly anything grows here,
Yet the granaries are bursting with meal,
The sacks of meal piled to the rafters.
The streams run with sweetness, fattening fish;
Birds darken the sky. Is it enough
That the dish of milk is set out at night,
That we think of him sometimes,
Sometimes and always, with mixed feelings?

John Ashbery (1984)

Hap hols to folks what celebrate, here's a rec list of holiday fics (MCU, stucky) if yr avoiding yr family like I am u can open these on a phone in the bathroom. xoxo

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year by

stevergrsno ~ competitive holiday assholes to lovers

Whose Arms Will Hold You by biblionerd07 ~ tropey & fluffy ride share home for xmas plus bed sharing

Merry Christmas, Bitch by

rohkeutta ~ there's no bad excuse to reread this series

O Come, All Ye Clumsy Idiots by

rohkeutta ~ I'm the airport employee cracking up listening to these goofs reunion

I got that good thing for you by canistakahari ~ here have a block quote:

Bucky rotates his head like an owl and pins Steve with a dead stare. “Fake?”

“Artificial,” tries Steve, “You know—”

“No,” says Bucky flatly. “I don’t know.”

“Okay.” Steve puts his hands up, placating. He is not attached to the idea of a fake tree. This isn’t about him, anyway. This is about Bucky. And his… tree. “We’ll get a real one. Promise.”

“Yeah,” says Bucky slowly, like it’s obvious. “You're cutting it down.”

merry crisis by galwednesday & silentwalrus ~ four doofs poke at a variety of extremely fancy foods then engineer a distraction

drabble about Steve's blanket collection by galwednesday ~ just what it says on the box, ma'am.

re: spite by steebadore ~ this is actually not a holiday fic but it came to us on xmas eve and you're not the boss of me

Scenes From a Marriage: Mailbag by

cesperanza ~ the yearly advent calendar for 4 Minute Window <3

i dreamed i held you in my arms by rooonil_waazlib ~ again, I'll take any excuse to reread this series. kid!fic. big dumb soft dads who want baaaaabies.

Snoogums-Boogums, You're the Apple of my Eye by galwednesday ~ weaponized pet names at the holiday xmas jam

Update Dec. 26: A few more!!

Send the Universe a Thank You Card by

stevergrsno ~ 7 winters in the life of Bucky Barnes ft. this GRATE aside:

(‘American Heroes’ had been said in the same tone of voice Steve does those stupid PSAs in. His ‘You’ve got to be shitting me’ voice tha Steve pulls out for shit he doesn’t want to do but has to sound patriotic for and that Bucky has a strange fondness for, even if Peter Parker once went viral with a video of Bucky reacting to one of the videos featuring it.)

Get Jingle With It by mambo ~ fake dating! snowed in! sharing a bed!!!! this is what I desire from my holiday fics.

Ok well here we are I am gonna do a thing. My 2018 was personally uhhhhhhhh very bad. My life completely went off the rails, I barely left my apartment all summer & when I did it was to buy wine, I had to move in with my parents at THIRTY, and drop out of my MSc, and I haven't seen my cat in over a year and... yeah.

HOWEVER, this was also a great year for reading fic. Turns out when you throw aside all ur responsibilities you can read a lot of fanfic!!! So here's my faves, fics that carved themselves directly into my brainstem. The ones that I remember their titles off the top of my head; the ones I've reread and reread and reread. They're all MCU & all Stucky with one notable exception. They're even in order, yeah I said it.

These are not gonna be great literary reviews cuz that's very hard but I'll try and do a tiny summary before I just TELL U MY FEELINGS, deal?

1. Ain't No Grave (Can Keep My Body Down) - spitandvinegar
MCU; Steve/Bucky; E

The one where Bucky aka John the Revelator aka Sash(k)a adopts some Goddamn Kids & gets de-Hydra-ated. [The one with all the hilarious turns of phrase that have populated my tags ever since I read it.]

LISTEN. I don't think I can explain in words how much this goddamn fic means to me. It's probably my favourite... ever?? I've read it at least fifteen times. This year. There is nothing I don't love about it. Sometimes, even with Fandom Classics (tm), I have a hard time holding the mental image of the character in my head... they... smear, a lil? I know intellectually this vague blob-shaped critter in my head is Bucky Barnes, but I can't hear his voice and I can't see his face. This fic is the opposite of that. This fic is STEVE and BUCKY and the GODDAMN KIDS in full slap-you-in-the-face technicolor. Spitz writes fic that has its hands around yr throat (in a loving way) and you can't not pay attention.

2. Flyboys - aerialiste
MCU/SGA; Sam Wilson/John Sheppard; E (WIP)

The one where Sam Wilson contemplates his fetlife profile until he meets banged-up flyboy John Sheppard & they make crossover magic together.

Hello. *hops up on my lil soapbox* *hands out copies of this fic to everyone* Tonight we are going to begin our sharing circle with ME, and this is what I have to say. I've been reading fic for fifteen years now. Just recently I rediscovered some authors and fics that I hadn't read in fifteen years but I saw the titles and I was like yes those. Those are the people and the words that have banged around in my brain for a decade and a half. Those stories changed me. I got real emotional about it. Sometimes you read a thing and everything in it lights up yer innards and your depressed-ass brain and for a while nothing hurts. All that is to say, welcome to the hall of fame

aerialiste . I'll be thinking about this fic ... forever? Yep, forever. Forever sounds good.

[[ALSO (tmi time), y'all ever read something that made you tremble violently in all ur limbs and u had to lay down on the floor for fifteen minutes to get over it?? Ohhh, I mean, me neither. *shifty eyes* I'll just be over here.]]

3. A Thingy for a Hand, a Hook Thing Where His Hand Should Be - easyforpauline
MCU; Steve/Bucky; E

I'm deeply regretting my current life choices that led me here to this moment because this one is impossible to summarize. This series exists in my brain as a tangled ball of impressions that mainly add up to: how on earth does a fic like this happen? It's impossibly good. It's deeply kinky in a way that terrifies me while also being the sweetest ode to these two dorkiest, loving-est supersoldiers.

4. Scents & Sensibility: The Working Assassin's Guide to Supersoldier Seduction - galwednesday, silentwalrus, & skellerbvvt
MCU; Steve/Bucky; E

The one where... it's the fluffiest a/b/o-type verse ever??????? They have a picnic and they shnuggle a lot and they're two big dumb bozos trying to figure each other out.

C'mon man. LIke this thing is bonkers. Absolutely unprecedented. I can only hope clownfish au's are the new popular fic trope thing to do. There's no way to read this without wanting to somehow knit it into a big snuggie for urself and your loved ones.

5. Controlled Release - steebadore
MCU; Steve/Bucky; E

The one where Bucky can't get off until he goes to Captain Come Control, aka our favourite tiny sadistic Steve, he of the mean handjob (TM).

Well well well, this one is maybe a bit of an odd duck floating in a list full of Long Intense fics, but it's just so damn good. It's cute and sexy and I love it and it introduced me to a genre of porn that I promptly put into my private bookmarks. Ahem.

BONUS: The Collected Works of mcwho
MCU; Steve/Bucky; E

The ones where Steve Rogers is a goddamn sex machine & also Bucky is gonna make sure everyone knows about it.

It appears that mcwho has slid into our lives in the last third of the year like a smutty smutty Santa, bringing us these nicely giftwrapped short snappy lil' fics that are best described as Steve Rogers FUCKS. I am such a ho for this type of fic. Please, give it to me.

[[Reflection time. Apparently my tastes run to the sexy, particularly when there's kink and/or praise. It's not a surprise per se but seeing it all up here in written out list form is SURE SOMETHING. Also I like em long and lovey with lots of recovery of banged up boys via bdsm & cuddles. This has turned out a lot more revealing than intended.]]

“Self-care is often a very unbeautiful thing.

It is making a spreadsheet of your debt and enforcing a morning routine and cooking yourself healthy meals and no longer just running from your problems and calling the distraction a solution.

It is often doing the ugliest thing that you have to do, like sweat through another workout or tell a toxic friend you don’t want to see them anymore or get a second job so you can have a savings account or figure out a way to accept yourself so that you’re not constantly exhausted from trying to be everything, all the time and then needing to take deliberate, mandated breaks from living to do basic things like drop some oil into a bath and read Marie Claire and turn your phone off for the day.

A world in which self-care has to be such a trendy topic is a world that is sick. Self-care should not be something we resort to because we are so absolutely exhausted that we need some reprieve from our own relentless internal pressure.

True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.

And that often takes doing the thing you least want to do.

It often means looking your failures and disappointments square in the eye and re-strategizing. It is not satiating your immediate desires. It is letting go. It is choosing new. It is disappointing some people. It is making sacrifices for others. It is living a way that other people won’t, so maybe you can live in a way that other people can’t.

It is letting yourself be normal. Regular. Unexceptional. It is sometimes having a dirty kitchen and deciding your ultimate goal in life isn’t going to be having abs and keeping up with your fake friends. It is deciding how much of your anxiety comes from not actualizing your latent potential, and how much comes from the way you were being trained to think before you even knew what was happening.

If you find yourself having to regularly indulge in consumer self-care, it’s because you are disconnected from actual self-care, which has very little to do with “treating yourself” and a whole lot do with parenting yourself and making choices for your long-term wellness.

It is no longer using your hectic and unreasonable life as justification for self-sabotage in the form of liquor and procrastination. It is learning how to stop trying to “fix yourself” and start trying to take care of yourself… and maybe finding that taking care lovingly attends to a lot of the problems you were trying to fix in the first place.

It means being the hero of your life, not the victim. It means rewiring what you have until your everyday life isn’t something you need therapy to recover from. It is no longer choosing a life that looks good over a life that feels good. It is giving the hell up on some goals so you can care about others. It is being honest even if that means you aren’t universally liked. It is meeting your own needs so you aren’t anxious and dependent on other people.

It is becoming the person you know you want and are meant to be. Someone who knows that salt baths and chocolate cake are ways to enjoy life – not escape from it.”

Brienna Wiest on ThoughtCatalog

by Brienna Wiest

1. Feeling as though you are reliving your childhood struggles.You find that you’re seeing issues you struggled with as a kid reappear in your adult life, and while on the surface this may seem like a matter of not having overcome them, it really means you are becoming conscious of why you think and feel, so you can change it.

2. Feeling “lost,” or directionless. Feeling lost is actually a sign you’re becoming more present in your life – you’re living less within the narratives and ideas that you premeditated, and more in the moment at hand. Until you’re used to this, it will feel as though you’re off track (you aren’t).

3. “Left brain” fogginess. When you’re utilizing the right hemisphere more often (you’re becoming more intuitive, you’re dealing with emotions, you’re creating) sometimes it can seem as though “left brain” functions leave you feeling fuzzy. Things like focusing, organizing, remembering small details suddenly become difficult.

4. Having random influxes of irrational anger or sadness that intensify until you can’t ignore them anymore. When emotions erupt it’s usually because they’re “coming up” to be recognized, and our job is to learn to stop grappling with them or resisting them, and to simply become fully conscious of them (after that, we control them, not the opposite way around).

5. Experiencing unpredictable and scattered sleeping patterns.You’ll need to sleep a lot more or a lot less, you’ll wake up in the middle of the night because you can’t stop thinking about something, you find yourself full of energy or completely exhausted, and with little in-between.

6. A life-changing event is taking place, or just has. You suddenly having to move, getting divorced, losing a job, having a car break down, etc.

7. Having an intense need to be alone. You’re suddenly disenchanted with the idea of spending every weekend out socializing, and other people’s problems are draining you more than they are intriguing you. This means you’re re-calibrating.

8. Intense, vivid dreaming that you almost always remember in detail. If dreams are how your subconscious mind communicates with you (or projects an image of your experience) then yours is definitely trying to say something. You’re having dreams at an intensity that you’ve never experienced before.

9. Downsizing your friend group; feeling more and more uncomfortable around negative people. The thing about negative people is that they rarely realize they are negative, and because you feel uncomfortable saying anything (and you’re even more uncomfortable keeping that in your life) you’re ghosting a bit on old friends.

10. Feeling like the dreams you had for your life are collapsing.What you do not realize at this moment is that it is making way for a reality better than you could have thought of, one that’s more aligned with who you are, not who you thought you would be.

11. Feeling as though your worst enemy are your thoughts.You’re beginning to realize that your thoughts do create your experience, and it’s often not until we’re pushed to our wit’s end that we even try to take control of them – and that’s when we realize that we were in control all along.

12. Feeling unsure of who you really are. Your past illusions about who you ‘should’ be are dissolving. You feel unsure because it is uncertain! You’re in the process of evolving, and we don’t become uncertain when we change for the worse (we become angry and closed off). In other words: if what you’re experiencing is insecurity or uncertainty, it’s usually going to lead to something better.

13. Recognizing how far you still have to go. When you realize this, it’s because you can also see where you’re headed, it means you finally know where and who you want to be.

14. “Knowing” things you don’t want to know. Such as what someone is really feeling, or that a relationship isn’t going to last, or that you won’t be at your job much longer. A lot of “irrational” anxiety comes from subconsciously sensing something, yet not taking it seriously because it isn’t logical.

15. Having a radically intense desire to speak up for yourself.Becoming angry with how much you’ve let yourself be walked on, or how much you’ve let other people’s voices get into your head is a sign that you’re finally ready to stop listening, and love yourself by respecting yourself first.

16. Realizing you are the only person responsible for your life, and your happiness. This kind of emotional autonomy is terrifying, because it means that if you mess up, it’s all on you. At the same time, realizing it is the only way to be truly free. The risk is worth the reward on this one, always

“Intimacy means that we can be who we are in a relationship, and allow the other person to do the same. ‘Being who we are’ requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship. ‘Allowing the other person to do the same’ means that we can stay emotionally connected to that other party who thinks, feels, and believes differently, without needing to change, convince, or fix the other. An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.”

— Harriet Lerner in The Dance of Intimacy, p. 3

I'm trying to figure out how to make all these disparate platforms work & also migrate posts I want to keep from my tumblr b/c honestly fuck them. Gonna start with moving some text-based stuff off of tumblr to here. I... guess I'll try to space them out? I miss having a queue.

starlessfuture on tumblr also, trying to hedge my bets with an account everywhere.

this format makes me wanna die because I am a natural-born lurker so ummm sorry? also what the hell is the etiquette around "granting access"??? hhhhhelp.